[shared by Susan Marcus on the Friends for Right Relationships listserv 7/18/2021]
Worship Sharing and Dialogue with Attention to Ouch, Oops & Whoa
By: Pacific Yearly Meeting (PacYM) Racial Justice Subcommittee (RJSC) of PacYM Ministry Committee
Last updated: April 14, 2021
Welcome, dear Friend! We are excited to have you participate in the upcoming RJSC workshop. Dialogues on racism can be difficult and uncomfortable. Discomfort is natural, and is a good sign – this means we are learning and growing.
Safe Space, Brave Space
“Together we will create brave space.
Because there is no such thing as a “safe space” —
We exist in the real world.
We all carry scars and we have all caused wounds…
We amplify voices that fight to be heard elsewhere,
We call each other to more truth and love.”
– Excerpt from Invitation to Brave Space Poem by Micky ScottBey Jones*
Sacred Space: Repairing the Hurt and Listening to Truth Revealed
We see our time together not only as brave space, but when hurt happens we go into sacred space where we experience deep listening, knowing that Spirit will guide us as we listen deeply, center & allow the spirit to unfold and Quaker Truth to be revealed. When a conflict occurs it is a time for us to hold Spirit and give us an opportunity to deepen our relationships to another level.
Stepping Stones into Sacred Space: Ouch, Oops and Whoa
We invite Friends to explore a process to help us identify unconscious
microaggressions and implicit bias and address their impact by deepening into sacred space, ultimately repairing harm. To this end, we offer a worship sharing and dialogue format with acknowledgment of “Ouch, Oops and Whoa” in this workshop.
● Ouch – when a person experiences a hurt
● Oops – when a person realizes that he/she/they may have caused a hurt
● Whoa – when a person witnesses a potential hurt.
For an example of the power of “whoa”, we recommend this short video clip in the film “Cracking the Codes”, by World Trust: https://www.world-trust.org/cracking-thecodes?wix-vod-video-id=009fcc69a6c34479ad537a6d4a3db471&wix-vod-compid=comp-jxyzu7k9
This approach is based on the concept of the Johari window. By soliciting feedback using “ouch, oops, and whoa”, we aim to shrink our blind spot, raise our consciousness, thereby decrease the incidences of unknowingly hurting each other.
Creating Anti-Racism Sacred Space: Processing “Ouch, Oops and Whoas”
● The burden of educating is not the responsibility of the Friends of Color in the group. If you are a white person with anti-racist practices, your role is to educate other white people in the group to question their own centrality and listen to another’s pain without defensiveness, judgment, or white fragility getting in the way.
● Be in worship together holding the space and ambiguity. Trust that Spirit is here guiding us and that those who say “ouch, oops or whoa” are led to speak.
● The person who experiences the hurt has the right to decide whether or not to address the issue.
● When someone is led to speak about a hurt, slow down the dialogue, center around the ouch, oops or whoa.
● If you are confused or don’t understand the hurt, sit in silence and hold the sacred space.
● Go into sacred listening about the hurt by focusing on the needs and concerns expressed.
● Pay attention to and speak about what’s happening in your body. Be willing to expose your vulnerability and reach for healing the wounds.
● Don’t create more pain for people already in pain. Our goal is to stop the harm that has been committed by becoming conscious of it and repairing the hurt by seeking healing through Quaker Truth being revealed.
Communication Recovery: a simple model for repairing an Ouch**
“Communication Recovery” involves acknowledging your mistake, sincerely apologizing, and then changing your behavior. It allows us to defuse tension, rebuild trust and rapport, and move forward.
1. When someone lets you know you’ve created an “ouch” for them, Accept the feedback: “Thanks for telling me.”
2. Acknowledge what happened, both your intent and the impact: “I didn’t mean to label you, but I see I did.”
3. Apologize: “I’m sorry I said that.” This is the most important step. It’s easiest if you apologize immediately. Your sincerity will help clear the air and allow everyone, including you, to feel more comfortable.
4. Adjust: In other words, don’t repeat the same offense in the future. Say so out loud, if you want – “I’ll try not to be such a clod in the future” – or simply demonstrate your intentions to be respectful through your future actions.
Sometimes there is ONE MORE STEP – ASK. If someone gives you feedback – “Ouch!” – and you aren’t sure why, then Ask: “What do you mean?” Then Accept their feedback with an open heart and an open mind.
——————
* Invitation to Brave Space — a poem by Micky ScottBey Jones
Together we will create brave space.
Because there is no such thing as a “safe space” —
We exist in the real world.
We all carry scars and we have all caused wounds.
In this space
We seek to turn down the volume of the outside world,
We amplify voices that fight to be heard elsewhere,
We call each other to more truth and love.
We have the right to start somewhere and continue to grow.
We have the responsibility to examine what we think we know.
We will not be perfect.
This space will not be perfect.
It will not always be what we wish it to be.
But
It will be our brave space together,
and
We will work on it side by side.
** The Ouch! Files, Vol. 5, No. 1, www.DiversityInclusionCenter.com. Copyright 2014, Leslie
Aguilar,
https://www.diversityinclusioncenter.com/archives/ouch_files/Archives/Ouch_Vol5No1.html